ADHDivas

No I would not give you false hope

I want everyone to know that my mom died. I especially want the lady who honked at me and shook her fist angrily while I spaced out at a traffic light to know. I want her to know that I was thinking back to a time when my mother was beautiful and vibrant and I danced on her feet after school. I want that impatient woman to know that my hands were shaking at the wheel and I wasn’t even sure I could make it across that light to the video store to return a movie without collapsing.

I want her to know everything.

I want everyone to know. And yet I want nobody to know.

I want to let everybody in. I want to shut everybody out.

Nobody knows what to say, and I have failed miserably in knowing how to answer.

“Was it sudden?” Yes. It always is, by the way. I have been through my share of close deaths in the last decade, and even when a doctor stares you in the eye and tells you someone has days to live… It is always sudden. And you are never ready.

“I hope you’re feeling better today.” Not only do I not feel better, I don’t necessarily want to feel better yet.

“Were you close?” Shit, yes. She was my mother. True, we had a complicated relationship – one might even say, the “mother of all complicated relationships”. And yes, I did let that fact be known to all who would indulge me in the last couple years. But truly, there is nobody to whom I will ever feel closer.

This world was difficult for my mom. Her dreams were too big – her expectations impossibly high. She also struggled mightily, I am discovering as I navigate my own psychological journey to wellness, with mental illness. Debilitating OCD, anxiety, personality disorders, perhaps even manic depression — who really knows? She lived during a time when most were not treated or medicated for such things – and frankly, she probably would have refused anyway. It was always “her way or the highway”. But you know what? She was right more times than not.

Unfortunately, those “nots” escalated in her later years – especially during my father’s illness and death. I raged inside at how manic and unmanageable she had become – wanting to do things “her way”, denying him pain medication when he lay riddled with cancer. At times I felt like I wanted to kill the woman who I felt was killing my dad.

I expected more. I expected better. I expected – at the very least –“normalcy”.

But why? My mom was never “normal” – and light-years from the typical parent. For one thing, we were both only children. My first 17 years on this earth were essentially just the two of us. It felt more like we were sisters, friends, or even artists in residence at some sort of creative commune.

Poetry, classical music, drawing, storytelling, word games, dancing, Ingmar Bergman films, trips to the Art Institute… when most kids were outside roughhousing with their siblings… these filled my days.

She was a true artist, my mother, and I was her ultimate creation. Like everything else in her life, she wanted me to be perfect.

But I was just a kid. Human. Damaged. Helpless.

The moment she passed away, my anger was washed away with forgiveness. I see now how hard it was for my mom to give and accept love, and I’ll probably never know why. And while I never truly felt the 100% unconditional love most daughters receive without effort, I certainly learned how to give it back. And she blessed me with other gifts – many of which I am just beginning to unwrap.

All I ever wanted was for my mother to be happy.

I do want everyone to know that.

“Mother And Child Reunion”
——Paul Simon

No I would not give you false hope
On this strange and mournful day
But the mother and child reunion
Is only a motion away, oh, little darling of mine

I can’t for the life of me
Remember a sadder day
I know they say let it be
But it just don’t work out that way
And the course of a lifetime runs
Over and over again

No I would not give you false hope
On this strange and mournful day
But the mother and child reunion
Is only a motion away, oh, little darling of mine

I just can’t believe it’s so
Though it seems strange to say
I never been laid so low
In such a mysterious way
And the course of a lifetime runs
Over and over again

But I would not give you false hope
On this strange and mournful day
When the mother and child reunion
Is only a motion away

Oh the mother and child reunion
Is only a motion away
Oh the mother and child reunion
Is only a moment away